Cara and Sara

caransara @ 2006-04-03T16:44:00

2006-04-03T23:45:31Z

Orion totally embarassed Jessica today at the 4-H meeting so what happens I come out in the car. Oh joy. I fucking hate having to deal with the little brat. Oh well. Such is life I guess.

males

2006-01-22T21:08:59Z

I can't stand them. They're all pussies in my book. Just assholes waiting to be fucking kicked down and beaten.

Now that's out of my system...

I was triggered by this guy who wouldn't leave us alone. Yet another perv trying to get Yaro to sleep with him (though it was Jess using Yaro's IM). He just pissed me off for some reason, begging us to call him. Yeah righ! And he wouldn't take no for an answer! I came out and was like, "Fuck off I said NO and NO MEANS NO!" So he keeps on sending us messages saying, "I'm sorry" "Have a Good day" over and over. So I told him to go fuck himself and blocked his sorry excuse for an ass.

Then to top it all off the boy wised up to the fact that they were hiding his meds in buttered bread. So now he won't take it and is screaming about it. I swear, he's just like all the other males. Just in a really small body.

I know, I shouldn't be downing on him like that. But he really is pissing me off too. Fuck it. I'm going to the store to get cigarettes. Maybe take the rugrat with me so Chris doesn't have to deal.

Last night

2006-01-18T15:42:11Z

I'm trying to write this before I go insane from these kids. Jessica will be out soon, but before she does I want to write about last night.

Last night totally sucked. Why? Because I came out at the completely wrong moment.

Tanya was making love to Frankie and the baby started making noises (she woke up). I know it was Tanya because of how annoyed she got. For some reason that annoyance triggered me. So, I come out and I find myself laying in bed, looking at the crib, with Frankie's penis in my hand! ME! I was so hummiliated and pissed. I quickly sat up and Frankie seemed a little upset by it all.

I hate sex. HATE IT. I hate being touched, even by the children. It just irks me so much. It was the wrong moment to come out...well it could've been worse I guess. They could've actually been DOING IT. But it still upset me. And to make matters worse, I was so upset that we couldn't switch. I sat there trying to trigger ANYONE who wanted to take my place but it didn't work.

OK...time to go take care of the baby. Time to not be me.

Who am I?

2006-01-15T19:14:49Z

I really don't know what to think right now. I'm a bit blended with Jessie atm and I'm not sure if I'm Jessie, if I'm Cara, or what. How should I think of myself. Should I be writing this here or in amethystrse?

No, I'm Cara with a little bit of Jessie added in. I think that's the best way to put it...only because I feel more dominant than she does at the moment. I wonder how long this will last?

caransara @ 2006-01-12T18:23:00

2006-01-13T02:30:57Z

me again. cara is helping me write. usually cara or tanya helps me to write because i'm not very good at it yet. i just wanted to say that joey came out and talked to the nice lady today. he sat under the table while he talked to her. isn't that funny!

oops the phone wrang. it was the wendy lady. shes nice. she was complaining about her phone. jessie answered but i was still here. it feels weird now. like cara was saying before.

well. joey was telling her what the bad man did and he was scared but all the time i was telling him not to be scares. i dont know if he heard me or not i think he did because after awhile he wasn't scared anymore. i'm so happy that joey got to talk and got out. maybe he can do so now with orion and play like i sometimes do.

sara

oddness

2006-01-13T02:18:23Z

Feeling very odd. Sara was just out for a little while I helped her write a reply in a community for littles. Then Orion asked us something and I had to take full control. Now I'm feeling...odd. Not quite me but not quite Sara. Nor do I feel like Jessie or anyone else. I feel...disconnected.

~Cara

caransara @ 2006-01-12T10:47:00

2006-01-12T18:47:46Z

I really hate it when Orion triggers me. I get so angry with him so quickly. I need to find a way to cool my anger.

What am I? I don't know.

2006-01-11T21:40:46Z

I don't like men. Hate them for the most part in fact (though our body's husband isn't too bad). I'm not really into women either. I'm a bit of a dyke but don't want to make love to women. I don't want to make love to anyone. I don't want a relationship but I do want friends. Everything I find on dykes here on LJ is all about having girlfriends and being gay. I don't know if I consider myself gay because as I said, I don't want a relationship with a woman (or a man).

There has to be a better word for it. I was thinking "asexual" or something. The complete opposite of a nympho. What is the word I'm looking for?

~Cara

switching

2006-01-10T23:39:17Z

We're switching lately like there's no tomorrow. Back and forth. jessie just doesn't want to deal all of the sudden. I think it's the memory. Even though she's OK with remembering she really doesn't want to know. Add to that the depression and you have a recipe for absent Jessie. *sigh*

caransara @ 2006-01-09T10:52:00

2006-01-09T18:52:33Z

Your connection with darkness is through your hate.
It's burning from the inside and you feel it
strongly everyday. All kinds of things make you
hate; the governmate, teachers/the boss,
students in school/work, family etc. Well, you
feel like the world and everyone in it hates
you, so you hate it and everyone back. You
probaly don't like changes since nothing good
ever comes out of them. Though your hate is
big, you can still have a soft spot in your
heart for someone. You're not numb or anything,
your problem lies in that you feel too much.
Life is too damn complicated, isn't it?

What is your connection with darkness? [pics]
brought to you by Quizilla

caransara @ 2006-01-07T12:04:00

2006-01-07T20:04:53Z

i want to help Joey...

~Sara

caransara @ 2005-12-15T19:00:00

2005-12-16T03:02:11Z

It's been a while since I've updated on here. I figure, while I have a chance I should do so. Life is complicated at the moment. The boy is being difficult. I came out. I don't want to be out. I feel sick. I hope we're not pregnant again. Probably not. I hate comming out mostly in anger. It is so quick to burn but lasts a while.

caransara @ 2005-08-23T17:36:00

2005-08-24T00:37:56Z

It has been an interesting day. Well, an interesting couple of days at least. Our new roommate, Sean, has decided that he likes talking to me about the problems Jessie is having. And he even prefers me to be out and about when there is some difficulty.

caransara @ 2005-07-28T00:40:00

2005-07-28T07:51:27Z

Ok...so I'm sitting here trying to find something interesting on TV and this guy keeps on trying to talk to me on Jessie's IM. I don't know if he knows about me so I'm trying to pretend to be her but he is so fucking annoying. I mean, the guy keeps on asking questions about sex and if I've had sex and whatnot. Fucking idiot. Probably some perv who is such a loser he has to live vicariously through others. Now he's talking about some chick. Fuck I don't want to talk to this guy. But for whatever reason Jessie is friends with him and I really don't want to hear it if I fuck up her relationship with him.

Well, aside from this bull shit I've set up trillian. I mean, I wanted to log onto messenger as myself but couldn't because of this freak. So, now I can talk to him and be logged in as myself. Not that it matters. I have no life. It's not like I can just go out and meet people my own age or something.

Ooops, I think I might have said the wrong thing. I mean, I really don't want to hear about who he's having sex with lately. I don't care! He's some man who lives in another country! Why the hell would I or anyone else with a pulse care if he got laid. And so, I told him so. Now he's logging off because I won't talk about fucking with him. What a prick.

I seriously don't understand some people. I mean why does everyone have to be so preoccupied with sex. I don't care! There's nothing good about it anyway. I mean, sure it looks fun. But really, there IS more to life. And if you can't see that then I don't want any part of you. Plain and simple.

Well, I have to go now. There are dishes to do (I'm NOT doing them) and sleep to be had. We have to be up in 5 hours. Maybe I'll just go to bed and someone can do the dishes in the morning.

caransara @ 2005-07-18T20:27:00

2005-07-19T03:42:21Z

I feel as if I can't connect with anyone. I've considered going around the internet to find others my own age. Only problem is I can't. How would I hang out with them? I'm a 16 year old trapped in a 27 year old's body. I have a husband and two children. Granted, I don't think of him as my husband or my kids. But, still, I feel as if I can't have a life because of all of it. I know I'm not the only one. I know that life isn't fair. I know that I can't always get what I want. But, I hope that some day I can.

Listen to me. I sound like a broken record. Jessie says that maybe I can study anthroplogy soon. That'll be fun. We're going to try and get some college. I can study anthropology or sociology. Yaro is going to try for Japanese. Uoko wants to do something with mathamatics. Jessie wants some art. Melinda wants some religious studies. Melissa wants some psychology. and I think that's it. We all want something and maybe we can all get it. We may have to split up who gets what when. But, we can at least study what we want.

I think I'll apply for the financial aid for us tomorrow. I always seem to be the one to kick start such things.

There, something for me to do. Happy now? Almost.

caransara @ 2005-07-14T21:10:00

2005-07-15T04:18:19Z

i dont no what to rite. cara told me abot this jurnal. i feel werd riting abot this. i am just so sad and i no that i shuld talk to that lady person. but i dont want to. i am scard. can i go home now? i found our bear. i just want to cry. there is none to talk to here. the other kids are sleepin. i dont no what to rite so i am going to go now.

caransara @ 2005-07-13T21:52:00

2005-07-14T04:54:08Z

The child is watching some show...The Brave Little Toaster. There's one part of it where all the characters are in a junkyard and the junk are all singing this song, "worthless" and it is so depressing.

caransara @ 2005-07-03T18:24:00

2005-07-04T01:27:40Z

The woman just brought her kid up here to appologize. But, instead he screamed and cried. I tried to tell her to nevermind and to please bring him back downstairs. But, she was insistent. I really don't want his applogy. He doesn't truly mean it so I don't want it. Why can't she see that. I was trying to calm myself and to get the baby to go back to sleep because his fucking screaming and crying woke her up. I tried to tell the woman to bring him back downstairs so I can get her to sleep. Instead he screamed and she kept him here until he gave his false appology. You would be proud of me, I bit my tongue. Even though his screams bothered me and Sara and even Jessie. I just sat here after asking her to take him away did nothing.

I think I'll go now. I don't know the words to the lullaby and the baby is cranky without it.

caransara @ 2005-07-03T18:18:00

2005-07-04T01:19:54Z

I just wish that little shit will leave. I want him out of here now! He has pissed me off so much I can't stand it. I had to go upstairs to keep from just bashing his face in. I know, I shouldn't say such things. ooooh...it might offend someone. So fucking what. I hate walking on eggshells. He's a spoiled little shit and a week is too long. He'll be gone in a week and oh that'll be a day for fucking celebration.

caransara @ 2005-07-03T09:27:00

2005-07-03T16:30:54Z

Sometimes I wish the boy would just shut up. I wish I could somehow silence him. He screams and screams and usually for no reason at all. Or he'll act like someone is tearing his head off when all that happened was he wasn't getting his way with a toy. It drives me insane. i can't do anything about it because if I do then I'll have to go away. I know this. The others have told me so on more than one occasion. But, I really don't like this boy. We're not his mom so I really don't get a say in anything having to do with him. He's just a little fucking brat. He's so annoying. I can't wait until he and his mom are gone. they cause nothing but stress and aggrivation. I want them gone now. I know, I have to wait until it's time. But, why does it have to take so long? I mean, doesn't he know that when he screams like that it bothers Sara really bad? She cringes and cries whenever he screams. Hell, we ALL cringe when he screams. I just want him gone. Now.

caransara @ 2005-07-01T09:14:00

2005-07-01T16:28:13Z

I'm constantly asked to bite my tongue when it comes to certain things. I don't like that. If something is bothering us then I should be able to just speak my mind about it. I should be able to go up to whoever or whatever and just tell them to go fuck themselves or something. I mean, it's stressing us out and I can't do anything about it. Why? Because they say I was becomming abusive. Ha! I as just trying to do what I do best. Protect us from those things that bother us the most. But nooooo. I have to be quiet now. I still come out and help deal, but I can't be a bitch. I like being a bitch. It makes things so much easier!

I'm bored

2005-07-01T05:47:46Z

I just finished messing around with my journal. Tweekig it to just how I would like it. And I am bored. Bored bored bored. So fucking bored. I'm never out for this long. You would think I would be able to think of something to do. Something I want to look up at least. Have someone to talk to. No, I'm just bored. Sitting here and typing this stuff and trying to figure out what to do now. I don't want to sleep. I don't want to watch TV. I want to go out and do things. But, I can't because...as Yaro calls it...I have body obligations.

First post

2005-07-01T02:28:41Z

I don't know what they were thinking, stabbing holes in the bathroom wall. But, I was out so I had to deal with it. I swear, when it comes to kids I feel more like a baby sitter than anything else. A baby sitter who doesn't get paid.

At the end of Jessie's therapy session today I started to come out. The T had said she wanted to talk to me at the next session and I couldn't help but come out at the sound of my name. I stayed quiet though, just nodded and pretended to be Jessie. I had already been out earlier today and have been out on and off since we left the T's office. I don't want to talk to her. Why should i? She'll just ask me questions I don't want to answer. I don't want to talk about the things she'll want to talk about. Hell, I don't even think therapy is a good idea.